Growing apart

We all change and grow apart from some people--and that's okay!

Most of us have that at least one friendship which we cherished highly, but lost. Circumstances changed, they changed or we grew. At one point, we couldn’t imagine our life without them. But now they are strangers. The close bond we once shared lies in tatters, buried deep within our consciousness, with memory doing its bit to slowly erase them. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, anyone? (It’s one of my favourite movies.)

I’ve lost so many good friendships over the years. Sometimes it has been my fault entirely. I’ve tried to redeem them but have failed.

Good friendships thrive on mutual efforts where they meet you halfway. It is not a solo performance, it’s a dance together. Many a time, they have moved so far apart that they are unable to hear the beat you’re dancing to. Sometimes even when they hear, their preferences have evolved or life has dealt them such a blow that they can no longer dance.

At times, it is we who do not want to. We are weary, seeking our space and solitude, yearning to heal.

In close friendships, the other person often influences us, and their personalities become enmeshed in us, often without us realising it. The other day , when I was writing in my diary —I write with an old fashioned fountain pen, every single night just before I go to bed— I noticed that I have a very distinct way of writing the alphabet ‘g’ and ‘a’, something which I directly picked up from a friend in college, 30 years back. The friendship has long ended, but the little ‘g’ and ‘a’ stayed. (You can see it in this quick illustration I made just now, to specifically elucidate this :) )

If you’ve been close friends for a while, you pick up the other person’s habits, mannerisms, way of speaking, books they recommnded, movies we might have never watched but for them, podcasts we discover and even an odd favourite drink or a recipe. Over time, it becomes a part of us, the source long forgotten, but the essence very much embedded in us, like an HTML code you do not see, unless you delve deeper.

Rather than mourn the demise of a friendship, what if we celebrate the quirks it has gifted us? It’s a beautiful thing, the way our personalities criss-cross each other.

In the ‘Arey Baba!’ I sometimes utter in sheer exasperation or the ‘ Punjabi Chole Bhathure’ I make, or the ‘Wish you were here by Pink Floyd ’ I listen to, I find my friends who are no longer a part of my life.

Friends may come and go, but a part of them always remains.